Another Word for Hate
by Wolf-007
Summary: COMPLETE. Jack/Ianto. Ianto reflects on his relationship with Jack. Then Jack reflects on his relationship with Ianto.
1. Ianto

Another Word for Hate

You could never truly hate Jack Harkness. Oh, you wanted to hate him, but you just never could. Not after everything that has happened between the two of you.

You remember his disgust when he found out about Torchwood One. How for your first several weeks he watched you like a hawk to make sure you did not screw anything up. You did not think his scrutiny was unjustified, but then again, at the time, you were more focused on making sure that no one found out about Lisa than you were on trying to make Jack trust you.

You simply cannot forget the look of anger in his eyes when he found out that you had kept Lisa in the storeroom for months. You were not expecting the look of betrayal in his eyes to hurt, but the sting from his expression was still there.

You recollect the feeling of the cold metal of his gun pressing against the back of your skull, and the cold look in his brilliant blue eyes as he stared you down. There was no doubt in your mind that he would have shot you if you did not kill Lisa. So, you took the gun instinctively, as a survival mechanism.

You had no intention of killing Lisa, and you know that Jack must have known those intentions. He did not stop you though. He let you go down into those vaults alone.

You started trying to hate him after that night. Yet, you cannot fail to recall the mercy he showed you even though you did not deserve it. Nor can you forget the look he gave you the morning after Lisa was killed as you were picking up the Hub. That look of understanding haunts you. You wish that the emotions between you could just be plain mutual hate. It would be much easier.

You could not blame him, like the rest of the team did, for letting the little girl go to the fairies. You understood why he did it. That if he had not let the girl go, the fairies would have killed a lot more people. You have noticed over time Jack seems to prefer the options with the least amount of loss. Letting the little girl go was hard, but it was the path with the least bloodshed.

You thought the trip at the Brecon Beacons was going to end badly before it even began. Time only proved you right. After Lisa, Jack thought that you could do with more excitement and responsibility, but his results were not what he was clearly hoping for. Your neck was almost sliced open because he made a choice on what he thought was best for you. You thought that you might be able to hate him for your brush with death, but your hate wars with the emotion that tells you to be grateful that he saved your life.

You kissed him for the first time after Suzie was killed for the second time. Not because you felt for him. You just do not want to be alone anymore. At first, you had been almost afraid of taking the first step. The comment about a stopwatch was really a side thought that was never supposed to be said out loud. Instead of being relieved that he did not seem to get the comment, you were kind of annoyed. You had taken a risk, and he did not seem to understand. Jack tells you later that his apparent cluelessness was just him double checking about what you actually wanted. This statement, of course, comes the next morning after you have spent all night with him and that stopwatch. You think about having the stopwatch mounted.

You would be lying to say you were not jealous of Jack's attention to John. The two seemed to relate more easily than you ever had to Jack, and you have put more effort into understanding Jack then John did. Your jealous drains quickly when you see his expression from coming back to retrieve John. It does not take a genius to figure out what happened especially since John does not appear to be anywhere in sight. You try to comfort him at the time. It does not seem to work.

You had barely recovered from John when there was the shit with Owen. He claimed that wanted to open the rift to save Jack, but you knew better. You saw what happened to Torchwood One.

You find one thing leads to the next as Abaddon happens before your eyes like a bad dream come to life. Jack dies. What surprises you more than his death was that he does not wake up. It is the worst feeling in the world to think that you might never see him alive again. It feels like every time you find a new reason to live, the reason gets eliminated.

You spend 11 days in a fog. You actually have to go back and look up the number of days later because at the time you just do not remember how many passed. The thing that matters most is that he is alive again. You are pleased when he kisses you in front of everyone because it means that you mean something to him.

You do not know what to do with yourself when he disappears to find his doctor. You came back from the Himalayas to discover that he was still gone. You hoped he would stay that way. You knew if he came back, you forgive him.

Of course, he came back. He is Captain Jack Harkness. He always comes back.

You wish that he had not come back. If he stayed gone, you are sure you could learn to hate him in time for leaving you behind. Your brain does not allow you to keep hoping he stayed gone when he walks up to you and kisses you hard without even greeting you first.

You realize later that night that the whole time you have been trying to hate him; your hate for him has developed into love.


	2. Jack

a/n: I just wanted to see if I could recreate the feeling the first chapter had.

Another Word for Hate

Sometimes you thought that Ianto hated you, and other times, you are not so sure about his feelings. As you look back on things, you think things might have been easier if he would have just chosen one emotion towards you. However, at the moment, you are really glad that he did not simply pick an emotion because then you would probably not be sharing a bed now.

You did not want to remember what happened at Canary Wharf. Not only was it horrific, but you also missed the Doctor by only a fraction of a second. Ianto was at first, just another reminder of that day. Weeks of careful watching revel that he is not going to betray you so you start to put his past behind you.

Then it happens. He betrays you. You were so furious that you barely remember your actions from the night. As you review the CCTV footage later, you are horrified to learn you were ready to kill him. That there was no hesitation in the way you pressed the gun to the back of his skull. It occurs to you though, that despite your anger you could not let him die.

For instance, when you found him lying face down in the water you could have left him there, but you did not. You revived him. You did not let him die that night, and you could not kill him. It left you wondering what exactly your feelings towards him were.

You knew he wanted to hate you after that night. Just like you are powerless to end his life, apparently Ianto is just as powerless to hate you though. You understand his pain. You know how he felt when he lost the one person he loved. You know that your understanding is the reason you could not kill him.

You had to let Jasmine go even though the rest of the team seemed to hate you for it. He understood – at least on an intellectual level. You do not talk to him about it afterwards, but his reaction to Jasmine's disappearance makes you think.

You decided only a short time the fairies case that maybe giving Ianto less responsibility within Torchwood is not the right way to solve the issues between you. You try giving him more power to see what happens. Things do not quite work out the way you think they will. You feel especially guilty that you almost got him killed. In fact, for days after the trip he avoids you. You let him because you are afraid if you try to fix things you will only make it worse.

You fell into a daze when you kill Suzie for the second time. It was hard to watch her kill herself, but, you discover, it was harder to kill her. Ianto attempted to comfort in the only way he thought you would accept. His offer was so not Ianto that you pretended to be confused just to double check that it was really what he wanted. He did not take long to make it clear to you exactly what his offer meant.

You did not purposely ignore Ianto when John – with Diane and Emma – came crashing into everyone's lives. You finally had someone you could relate to about being out of place in a different time. You made sure you were there when John committed suicide even if it meant you died too. Later, when you return back to the Hub, you find Ianto waiting for you. He does not ask for an explanation, and you do not give him one. An explanation might mean you lose him.

You and Tosh came back to the Hub with Gwen after your trip to the past to find that Ianto has shot Owen. You were so furious with Owen for opening the Rift you do not even consider punishing Ianto.

Of course, Ianto was not too pleased at the suggestion you sacrifice yourself to Abaddon. The whole team thinks you are crazy, but Ianto's opinion is the only one that matters. He refuses to speak to you before you leave so you leave without saying goodbye. You die; the world fades to black like it normally does.

You wake up. It has been 11 days your internal body clock tells you. You do not know why it took you so long for you to come back. You are happy to be alive again so you do not dwell on your unusually long death. Gwen and Tosh hug you. You kiss Ianto briefly before focusing on Owen. You need to right the wrongs before you can continue on with what is right with your life.

Then the Doctor's arrival throws everything off. You are so excited at the idea of getting answers to the questions you have had for centuries. You rush out without even thinking of saying goodbye because you do not think you will be gone that long.

Not that long turns into a long time. You only think about your team during the long year that never was. All of your actions are to protect them. Even then, most of time, you are thinking about Ianto, and what he must be thinking of you at the moment.

You come back to a furious team who remembers everything that happened even though it never really happened. You know over time that they will forgive you. You know Ianto forgave you the first time he saw you back.

You think your first night back in bed that things cannot get much better than you have at the moment. You think about all the times you thought that Ianto hated. You conclude as you fall asleep that whatever hate Ianto might have felt for you has become love.


End file.
